{"id":81,"date":"2011-04-02T17:19:50","date_gmt":"2011-04-02T17:19:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/?p=81"},"modified":"2011-04-02T17:27:01","modified_gmt":"2011-04-02T17:27:01","slug":"in-all-their-glory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/?p=81","title":{"rendered":"In All Their Glory"},"content":{"rendered":"

In All Their Glory <\/em>by Lee<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is rather challenging to summarise the plot, since it’s less a story than a series of sexcapades.\u00c2\u00a0 However, the series of somewhat related scenes goes like this:<\/p>\n

The newly-married Elizabeth prepares to have sex with her husband.\u00c2\u00a0 He turns out to be a closet nudist (and no, this is not an AU wherein she’s married to … not Darcy), which strikes her as a bit odd at first.\u00c2\u00a0 She quickly gets over it.\u00c2\u00a0 This being their wedding night, they have sex.\u00c2\u00a0 Then they have more sex.<\/p>\n

Why you should read this: <\/strong>Well, I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say In All Their Glory<\/em> is so bad it’s good, but at any rate it’s so bad it’s funny<\/em>.\u00c2\u00a0 Also, it’s technically canon-compliant, which somehow makes it funnier.\u00c2\u00a0 The lulz, they never end.<\/em><\/p>\n

No, really.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s a sequel.<\/p>\n

Why you might not like<\/strong> it:<\/strong> It’s bad.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s aggressively, unapologetically, unfalteringly bad in every possible way that something can be bad.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not even bad in a particularly interesting way; when I say that there’s no plot, I don’t mean that the plot is jumbled and incoherent and makes no sense.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean that there is no plot. <\/em>It’s not just the usual wedding night porn, either, because it goes on for four chapters.<\/p>\n

Four chapters of Darcy and Elizabeth sitting around with their clothes off, inevitably having boring, repetitive, improbable sex over and over and over again. And Elizabeth is so utterly ignorant that she seems to think that her parents found her and her sisters under the hedgerows.<\/p>\n

That would make a rather more interesting story than this one.<\/p>\n

Even the hilariously overwrought prose may not prevent you from pulling your hair out or driving sharp spikes into your eyeballs, so consider yourself warned.<\/p>\n

Regency, Canon-Compliant, Complete, NC-17 <\/strong>at Austen Interlude<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

This story has nothing resembling reason, taste, commentary on the original, recognisable characters, or a plot.\u00c2\u00a0 It has Darcy\/Elizabeth and sex, and if you consider those redeeming qualities, then those are the ones you’ll have to be content with.<\/p>\n

In its defence, however, I will add that it’s not merely <\/em>uninteresting.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, no.\u00c2\u00a0 I would have simply stopped reading it and gone on to something else if it did nothing except make sex boring.\u00c2\u00a0 It made me laugh.<\/p>\n

As a member of Austen fandom, I’ve stumbled across a considerable amount of badfic, some more offensive than others.\u00c2\u00a0 (In All Their Glory <\/em>is, for all its faults, largely inoffensive.)\u00c2\u00a0 As a reader of romance novels, I’ve read disturbing sex scenes, boring sex scenes, amusing sex scenes, and even the occasional interesting sex scene.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m used to bad writing.\u00c2\u00a0 However, there’s bad writing and then there’s bad writing<\/em>, and at some point around Chapter Three, the latter started to take over.<\/p>\n

For your enjoyment\/horror, I offer Darcy’s compelling ruminations on the morning after:<\/p>\n

Later that morning, Darcy awoke and immediately went to grasp his erection only to find it was not erect.\u00c2\u00a0 What a singular occurrence! He could not remember that last time it was not hard and throbbing when he awoke as usually every night he had erotic dreams of her.\u00c2\u00a0 Recalling that his activities of the night before where not dreams, he realized that his manhood, too, needed some rest.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Approximately thirty seconds later:<\/p>\n

Darcy fondled himself as his thoughts drifted.\u00c2\u00a0 He was a Darcy and therefore was expected to exhibit honor and decorum at all times but he was a Fitzwilliam on his mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side.\u00c2\u00a0 Fitzwilliam men were known for their lusty ways and overactive libido.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

For everyone who wonders what Darcy thinks about when he masturbates . . . now you know.\u00c2\u00a0 Nothing turns him on like thinking about how he inherited his sex drive through his mother.<\/p>\n

At some point, he notices that he’s in the same bed as his wife.<\/p>\n

He only hoped his libido was active enough now to sustain her appetites since he believed he had awoken a sleeping tigeress.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I couldn’t make this up.<\/p>\n

I considered mentioning the technical problems, but that’s really just icing on the cake.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s nothing good about this story.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not the pure, unfettered enjoyment of My Immortal <\/em>or Plan 9 <\/em>or things like that, but somehow I took a perverse pleasure in it all the same.<\/p>\n

So, for that alone, I’ll give it one quill.<\/p>\n

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In All Their Glory by Lee It is rather challenging to summarise the plot, since it’s less a story than a series of sexcapades.\u00c2\u00a0 However, the series of somewhat related scenes goes like this: The newly-married Elizabeth prepares to have sex with her husband.\u00c2\u00a0 He turns out to be a closet nudist (and no, this…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[65,14,38,66,62,64,33,34],"class_list":["post-81","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-matilda-plantagenet","tag-author-lee","tag-era-regency","tag-length-short-story","tag-plot-none","tag-quills-one","tag-rating-explicit","tag-type-canon","tag-type-sequel"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/81","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=81"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/81\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=81"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=81"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andbirds.org\/sc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=81"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}