Has it really been five months since our last review? How shameful! In recompense, I bring a review that was requested by one of our Dear Readers many moons ago. I hope, Dear Reader, that you are still with us; a thousand apologies for being so tardy.

Pride, Prejudice and Perjury by Jamie

Or, as I like to call it, Mr Darcy Has A Lobotomy Or Is Possessed By The Spirit Of Someone Extremely Lacking In Mental Faculties (and Everybody Loves Elizabeth).

The summary at DWG offers us this: “A mystery, which departs from the original end of Pride & Prejudice – Darcy does not return to Longbourn to propose to Elizabeth, and at Jane and Bingley’s wedding he ignores her and subsequently shuns her.” Now, when I think of mystery, I think Nancy Drew, I think Hercule Poirot. I think murder or kidnapping or treasure! Rather disappointingly, this story contains none of those things. The so-called ‘mystery’ in Pride, Prejudice and Perjury is why Darcy behaves the way that he does. Which, to me, makes it not so much a mystery as simply, well, the plot. You, Dear Reader, might disagree.

Why you should read it: Honestly, I am all out of creative ways to express what basically amounts to, “You shouldn’t.”

Why you might not like it: It is not good. And it is not bad enough to read for TEH LULZ. Also, false advertising. There’s no perjury whatsoever.

Regency, Plot Departure, General, at DWG.

I knew this story was going to be a certain amount of work when Lizzy swooned in the Prologue. Swooning never bodes well, especially not in Prologues. This story is no exception.

As the summary so helpfully tells us, in this version of events Darcy does not return to Hertfordshire after Lady Catherine has visited Longbourn. Thus, there is only a single wedding, and Elizabeth has the opportunity to perform the aforementioned swoon.

Once Jane and Bingley are safely married, Mrs Bennet turns her marriage laser on Elizabeth. She’s like a middle-aged, demented Cupid. The intended target? One Septimus Tiddlington. Why do writers insist upon creating completely ridiculous character names? Not to mention completely ridiculous characters. An ugly rector with very little brain? Gosh, I can’t imagine why that seems so familiar. At least Austen also gave us Colonel Fitzwilliam (not pretty, but kind and intelligent) and Wickham (pretty and intelligent but a douchebag) when she gave us Mr Collins.

So the ridiculous rector flaps about like a wet noodle for a chapter while Elizabeth pines over Darcy. Said rector is then foisted off onto Mary, Elizabeth ventures to London to stay with Jane and Bingley, and Mr Darcy Cancels A Dinner Engagement At Short Notice. “How mysterious!” you say. What’s that? You don’t say? No, neither did I.

Because I am loathe to entirely spoil the thrill of this mystery for you, Dear Reader, I shall only address certain parts of the narrative. Mr Darcy avoids the Bennets as much as possible and gets engaged to Caroline Bingley because of ~reasons. Reasons we don’t understand since it’s not like she’s the only woman in England. There is A Plot to Blacken Elizabeth’s Reputation And Prevent Darcy From Marrying Her by Caroline Bingley and Lady Catherine. Mostly Lady Catherine. Elizabeth continues to pine. There is a lot of pining in this story. A veritable forest of it.

More travelling and more shunning occur. Wickham and Lydia pop in to not so much thicken the plot as make it sort of lumpy. We learn of bribery! Elizabeth’s respectability is in question! I am using exclamation marks to make it seem more interesting than it actually is! Colonel Fitzwilliam appears to try and make some sense of things. He has no more luck than the rest of us. But we do discover that Darcy isn’t really Darcy at all, but a pod person. That’s truly the only explanation I can fathom for his behaviour.

Don’t despair, though. There are some humourous moments. For instance,

Darcy stopped and turned. “I cannot imagine why anyone would wish to mislead me. It is entirely inconceivable.”

I feel the need to quote from The Princess Bride suddenly.

There’s a Lord Netherby who falls in love with Elizabeth, natch, Lady Catherine dies, perfidies are uncovered, and pod!Darcy reveals his lack of analytical thinking. Then, oh how the tables are turned! It’s Darcy’s turn to pine whilst Elizabeth shuns him. Colonel Fitzwilliam posits the idea of his marrying her to somehow take his cousin’s mind off her? I think? Absolutely nothing makes sense by now.

But the best part is yet to come! Darcy visits Mr Bennet at Longbourn and Elizabeth concludes that,

Darcy had proposed to Lydia! Why else would he trouble Mr. Bennet, if not to beg him to sanction the marriage? She shook her head and sighed – there was no other explanation. Darcy still felt guilty and responsible for Lydia’s elopement with Wickham and now he had killed her husband and left her a widow, alone with a child. Evidently, he had chosen to make amends for both wrongdoings by marrying her!

Of course! It’s the only logical explanation! There can be no other opinion on the matter! Because, as she also says,

Mr. Darcy is a creature of reason

Exactly! No, wait. I mean, a Statement For Which There Is No Basis In This Story.

At (great) length, though, the shenanigans come to an end, our intrepid hero and heroine reconcile, a bunch of other stuff happens, and the reader takes a deep breath and heartily agrees with Darcy when he says,

“I can hardly believe this day, that I have so often dreamt of, which for so long has eluded me, and seemed utterly beyond my reach, has finally come.”

Yes, kittens, it’s the day that this story is finally over. Let us all hug and sob with relief.

Ultimately, Pride, Prejudice and Perjury is a story about melodramatic caricatures who bear little resemblance to their canon selves, with a needlessly convoluted (not to mention unbelievable) plot. While the writing itself isn’t terrible, the pacing is slow and the story far too long; and the ‘mystery’ isn’t remotely mysterious. Also, where is the perjury? Bad author! No biscuit.